November

I feel it coming upon me

the seasons are changing

the nagging pull at my soul

the clouds gathering

the storm makes an eye...

drawing nearer...

Fuck.

My life is a mess. I can’t keep my shit together for longer than a day.

The kids are struggling too. Their grades are down, just as my work is down. We are all paralyzed to do something about it as we feel smothered by the expectations and confused about how we got here.

My own daily struggles are weighed down by theirs. Trying to help them and feeling completely helpless, worthless and irritated that I have to get involved at all. One more distraction from what I’ve been doing…or…halfway trying to do.

Business shouldn’t be as bad as it is for me. I misjudged the impact of COVID and grew complacent in trying to overcome the hurdle. And have therefore created a huge hurdle to now overcome…before my business just fails, and I go broke.

I’m angry with myself, angry with the world, angry at this damn pandemic for giving me some poor excuse. Somehow this election has me even more stressed. I don’t know which candidate would actually stand to help me more. The lesser of two evils is harder to predict this cycle anyway, but unless more funding comes through, I may just lose everything.

I typically do well with my back against the wall – I MAKE things happen, but this time, this time, I just don’t seem to have the energy and clear headedness that it takes. I need clarity.

Perhaps if I stop drinking, I could get it…would save me some money too which would be a definite plus. But fuck if I don’t feel like I NEED a drink.

It’s not my depression, it’s my fucking lack of discipline and want to. I’m so talented at self-sabotage.

But also, why don’t I care more? I should fucking care more!

It’s like, I’m waiting for someone to save me, but I already know, no one will.